OMG! I missed you so much. My world has been a roller coaster in the last few months. Okay… I’ll just say it. I haven’t worked since March. I lost my house… my job… and for awhile, my self respect due to complications with bipolar disorder. My world has been totally turned upside down and I struggle from day to day to stay positive and moving forward. I’m human and despite losing everything I worked so hard for… I still have my beautiful kiddos. Yep, that’s how I talk ABOUT them to people who will never encounter that FIYAH! lol (Shhh… they might hear)
Anywho, I am all about rebuilding and learning to love myself exactly where I am in this moment. OMG… it’s so easy to say that, right? It’s even easier for other people to say it to you. I sometimes wonder what they think I am trying to do. They must think I’m sitting around in my bra and panties watching cartoons in tears for my own good health. (a bad day) I just want to scream at people who feel like they know what depression, anxiety, bipolar, borderline, and bulimia are! They can possibly feel the sorrow that comes from seeing a small animal suffering, writhing in pain, and whimpering for its savior to come. They will never truly know, though.
That, my loves, is the reason for me writing to you today. I want more. You have too. The visits to the doctor’s office are created to be demeaning… a constant reminder of a permanent flaw. The truth about that is that a mole is a flaw in the way a child’s skin developed in utero. But when they are born… it’s called a “beauty mark”. Your mental health diagnosis doesn’t have to be an ugly blemish. It can be a mark of a beautiful triumph!
Do you know what the key to accessing that life is? I’m stealing this from Alcoholics Anonymous… i think…lol! YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM! I think that it is more difficult for people with mental illness to be honest with themselves about their diagnosis because we spend so much time lying to everyone else about it. We spend so much time trying to “act” like everything is okay that we don’t even know how to heal anymore. I have spent so much time caring about what everyone will think of me if they knew I had a mental illness that I allowed that concern to become one of my biggest stressors! Think about it… not many people hide the fact that they have high blood pressure or diabetes? But, people with mental illness struggle to hide underneath the radar day in and day out! My wish for the world is that the stigma against people like me would be totally obliterated! People with mental illness are beautiful in their complexity and we deserve a fair chance at life just like everyone else.
Whew! I got that off of my chest. So, yeah, I don’t have a solution to the problems of the world….or all of my own problems for that matter… BUT I can tell you my BELLAS… you are all BEAUTIFUL EVEN WHEN YOUR BLUE!